#02 - THE IDYLLIC GAME DEV FARM OF HELL

hi!!! this is my second blog post. I had some plans for different posts, but I was thinking too much about the possibility of them, that I just... didn't. So, I've decided to ramble a bit, and then I'll clean it up, and bam. that's a blog post. It's my site. I get to do whatever the hell I want!!!! So, starting with my little box of thoughts:

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE GAMES INDUSTRY

Dude what the hell are we doing. I keep looking around, games are growing bigger and bigger, and becoming cultural monoliths that I just cannot parse anymore. I feel like games used to reference things, and now things reference games, but now games are also just cannibalizing every single piece of media out there and it's all become so damn strange. I say this with my whole chest, I genuinely cannot parse Fortnite, dude. I've tried playing it before, but I don't remember how it looks or how I felt playing. I see the menus all the time on screenshots and GIFs, but I can't tell where they lead to. I can't understand the battle pass, limited events/skins, digital scarcity, while also having a singular gameplay loop that's also a mix of like, everything out there?

It's hurting my brain. Games are too much now. Everything is way too much, it wants to be everything and it will consume everything in order to do so. It's horrifying and debilitating in a really strange way, that I still am processing. Like... I think one of the coolest things about working in games is that even if you're an indie or a small team, you get to sit in the same table as some of those big games in storefronts and in award shows. You go to GDC or PAX or Gamescom, and you're hanging out with everyone from AAA devs to indies to AA to anything. Yes, it's empowering and fucking awesome, but also, your bars for quality are like... weirdly similar? And you're expected to compete? And turns out that you are an indie and so is that one studio backed by Tencent? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING BRO

Here's where I say that I'm so grateful that I'm in the sidelines for most of it. Yes, I work in games, but I've always worked on smaller indie productions before landing my current job, which, you guessed it: it's in a small indie studio. Can't divulge much details for reasons, but what matters is that there's money, my boss is a worker, and I don't have to worry about things like funding, publishing, investors, corporate influence, AI (thank god), etc. All in all, a best case scenario. Being in this position makes me think:

• God I'm so lucky
• What the fuck will I do when I don't have this job anymore
• How the fuck am I in this position?? Why does it work??
• Dude when will the curtain be dropped? When will I find out this is actually bad???

Working on games has us fucked up, man. I feel grateful, scared, upset and happy everyday of my life, and this is only about my own professional situation. I can't imagine those who were laid off, those who are in an abusive workplace, those crunching, those managing their own numbers and overworking, etc. WHY IS THIS NORMAL?? WHY IS THIS WHAT WE'RE DOING??? FUCK DUDE. I HATE IT HERE. I'm writing about it and I'm getting mad and upset all over again. Anyways. A thing stands out to me about the things I've worked on.

THE IDYLLIC INDIE GAME DEV FARM

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: THE HELL SPIRAL OF WORKING ON GAMES FOR THE SAKE OF WORKING ON GAMES

We all make fun of idea guys until they got the money, me included. Then, I just shut up and do what I can. But you know, idea guys have... an idea, at least. Some people just have the money, and the desire to make a game. It doesn't matter what the hell it is, it's just gotta be a game. Maybe there's a loose theme attached to it. But hey, that doesn't matter, they want a game, and not anything else. They got the money for it. So work on it. Make a game, dude.

I've been in this situation three times. It's an attractive offer, so I immediately took it. I get interviewed by an inexperienced guy who asks me "soo you know C# right", I say yes, say something smart like "yeah I do shaders too" and then I'm hired. I ask "so is this a new project?", they tell me their previous programmer just left, and I'm gonna be taking over their work. But it's chill, we're all just making a game. I ask where the funding is coming from, they tell me that the boss (who's a team member) is taking care of it and I shouldn't worry. No big plans, just work on something cool. I sigh. I smile. I know what's coming.

... I then proceed to spend years figuring out what the hell we're making with a team of super talented people who are hindered by the fact that we're filling a role structure set by someone who has no idea how this works, with gaps filled by other talented folks who only came in because we said "please we need X in the team or there won't be a game" and scared the boss enough into hiring someone else.

It's weird because the pay is good, it's a flexible schedule, remote work, and I get to have creative input. But there's such a thing as too much flexibility, and too much creative input. It breaks your brain a little, and fucks with you in a strange way. To me... it's like living in Stardew Valley. It's an idyllic, beautiful farm where game devs get to roam free and work on an indie game where they can just do what they think is cool, as money will come in. Time is endless. Nothing matters. You can keep expanding the scope. Nothing matters. Take over tasks, give your all to it. Nothing matters. Nothing fucking matters.

I feel like my bosses then really liked being able to say "I'm working on a game". And you know, I get it. It's more glamorous to say "I'm working on a game", rather than say "Oh I worked on this game that's out and didn't sell much". If you're currently working, that's fucking cool and sick. It'll be the next big thing. It's like a big part of your personality for a while, and a symbol of pride. But if it's already out? The reviews are in. The sale numbers are in, and fuck that's boring and weird to look at. People can cast opinions on your product, and fuck, people are so scathing with games. I don't know man, it's weird. I kind of get why you'd want to make it last forever, especially if you have the money for it.

It's happened three times to me now. One of them was short-lived though, thankfully. But it's a strange situation to be in, where you can't really say anything about what you're working on for such a long time, and you can't even confidently say when you'll be able to. People question why you seem to have money, but not a lot to show for it. How do you manage working on another game, while having a full time job in games? Well, the answer is that I live in this idyllic beautiful indie game dev farm, where I get to fuck around, do some work, and just kinda wait until we start crunching because we realize we're close to the finish line.

The idyllic, beautiful game dev farm full of tasks that refresh constantly, time seems to pass but is eternal, and is full of wonderful individuals who are stuck in this same hell.

HEY, I KNOW I'M AT FAULT TOO, OKAY? I get roped into this shit so easily, and I play into it so well that it hurts. I love making games so much, and it's just such a good offer... and hey, I need the money! It's been bad in the past, though. I took it so seriously and was so passionate about keeping the facade up that I stopped doing only my job, I started doing more. I questioned more things. I took ownership of tasks that weren't for me. I supported some scope growing "within reason", as it would make a better game. In that process, I start making life a living hell for others, they make mine a living hell too, and HEY HOLD ON A SECOND, this is a chill lovely beautiful game development environment, what are we doing? Let's all take a step back and meet when we can. Everyone fill in your timezone- wait, fuck. No times work for anyone... ok, it's fine. Everyone just keep progressing on your tasks.

Dude, I hate this farm. I hate that productions can get so fucked up like this, but a guy has money so it's gotta keep going. There's no warnings, there's no things on fire, there's no stakes. And what's wilder, is that the farm thrives on people not caring. The thing that empowered these projects to grow so much and take so long is that we took too long to show it to people, and we just worked in silence. The farm loves silence. It's so isolating, in a way I hate. I hate it so much, and I want it to burn. But I recognize the good deal, and hey, it funded my school and also funded my dad's hospital stay. So the farm persists, and with it, a lot of great game devs get locked up to work on it, at least until their side projects can get off the ground...

...now, I'm working on WHODUNNIT (which I'll totally link so you can wishlist it cause I plug like that). We're people who have enough time to work on a game and see each other IRL often, so we did it on a whim. I also earn enough money so I can hire people to make music and SFX. I've gotten these talented people (who I love, shoutout Derek, Hannibal, Masm and Brian, thank you for your work) to work on my project because I got the money to pay for it. Maybe the game will be bad, maybe it'll be good, who knows. But God, sometimes I can see the farm in the distance, and I see myself allowing myself to make WHODUNNIT bigger, better, cooler... and have it never release. but fuck no. Thankfully I work with HG, who's great at what they do and we can sync up properly. I have a lot of friends who pressure me a bit, but also respect my time. I know a lot of devs who keep saying "YOU'RE TAKING TOO LONG" and it's a joke but it isn't. Thanks to you all. Genuinely, bro.

WHODUNNIT's gonna release, btw. We're working hard on it, and it's basically kinda ready, just missing some thingies. CH1 can't change more, it's gotta come out. And so will the next ones. I refuse this fucking farm with my whole heart chest and lungs, dude. I need stakes, I need to feel like this must come out- it's why we share things on social media, Discord, why I feel ok spending money on it, and why I love it so much. Because it makes it tangible, loud, and it keeps me away from the idyllic game dev farm.

PLEASE SHOW YOUR PROJECTS TO PEOPLE AND REJECT THIS FARM

Sorry, I didn't expect this blog post to turn into this whole thing. But I hope that lets you know that sometimes you NEED to show your projects to people, and keep yourself accountable for things. If you take too long, if you wait for the right moment... fuck, it might never come. You might be in the farm, and it might consume you a bit.

Let your project be weird and look ugly a bit. Make some cringy social media posts. Ruin your marketing beats by announcing things early. I don't know, man. Don't hold yourself to obscurity over the promise that someday the light will shine brighter for you. Because you might just realize you put a curtain over the window.

It took a lot of therapy to recover from these work experiences and it also took WHODUNNIT for me to find some purpose. I was in the farm for so long that I didn't get any opportunities to do new things, so I just got stuck. It was through WHODUNNIT that I met insertdisc5, and got to do some work for Truth Scrapper which you should wishlist. I got to work on other stuff too that I can't wait to show, and just... generally got myself out of that weird hole full of certainty. I knew money was never gonna run out but I knew I felt dead inside and it was eating away. It's fuckin weird man.

Me to myself from now on. It's not great but it's better than where I was. I need the reminders...

Anyways. thanks for reading, if you did!!!! Talk to me!! I love talking to people :)